Wishing You All a Peaceful and Manageable Christmas & New Year

I was rereading my previous Newsletter this week, especially the part where I said that my grief seemed to get easier with the more pets I had lost, and I got to thinking:

The truth is one of the few good things about grief and one that is probably hard to believe for many people right now, is that you do forget. The pain does fade, and you forget the horrible details of your pet’s passing, and start to remember the good times you had together.

In the beginning your grief makes the details seem dulled until you are more able to cope with them, then later it feels like it is impossible to think about anything else. But over time you do start to forget the details and it slowly becomes possible to smile again and remember your pet fondly, without the details of their death marring every memory you have of them.

But it does take time. Your pet may have been a huge part of your life for many years so why on earth should you expect to feel better about losing them within days or weeks?

Many people take many months and sometimes years to really feel ‘normal’ again. They may function as far as working and family life, but inside they will still feel a great sadness for many months even if they do not show it on the outside.

Unfortunately it seems to be human nature to hide these feelings, seeing them as a weakness or unacceptable and generally feeling embarrassed about our apparent inability to cope.

But it is my belief that we should share these feelings, and the more we do so, the more we realise that what we are feeling IS normal and to be expected after a major loss in our lives. There are millions of people who love their pets just as much as we do, and feel the pain just acutely as we do when they lose them. Just because expressing grief is not ‘fashionable’ right now, doesn’t mean we feel it any less.

It is my hope that the stories and diaries submitted by Visitors will continue to grow to demonstrate this and assure everyone that is feeling or being made to feel by those around them that they ‘should have got over it by now’ that they are not alone. Grief takes time, sometimes it takes a long time.

So in reality it isn’t that my grief becomes less the more pets I lose, it is just that with all pain, the rawness fades, it has to or else how else could we bring ourselves to love another pet? I have been lucky enough to have not lost any of my pets for two years now, which in my household seems like a very long time. But I know when I do that I will be just as devastated as I have been before. Each loss is unique because each of my pets is unique, and to not grieve their loss when I love them so much would be inconceivable.

This week it is my dog Henry’s 10th birthday. I feel lucky that he has been part of my life for so long, and yet secretly dread as the years pass that one day I will have to say goodbye. I know it will happen and I am prepared for it as much as anyone could be, but I know I will still be devastated and broken hearted for a very long time.

Pangs & Waves - Even After All These Years

I lost Baby over four years ago, overnight she suffered an unexplained brain condition which turned my beautiful 4 year old cat into a completely paralysed, stiff and blind invalid who could do nothing except cry for me to help her. The vets could do nothing to help her as her condition was a complete mystery to everyone, even if I could have afforded the expensive brain tests, so I had to make the awful decision to have her euthanized. This was made doubly awful by the fact that I still even now have no idea what was wrong with her and in turn if there was anything more that could have been done to save her.

On seeing this toy that resembled her so well, it all came flooding back. Did I do the right thing? If I’d had the thousands of dollars to spend on tests and had just ignored the vet’s advice, would she have recovered? Why when I had already lost 3 elderly cats and had decided to take on two rescue kittens instead, in the hope that they would at least be with me for some time, had fate been so cruel as to take both of them at just four years old? Even writing these words now brings tears to my eyes, and I lost her over four years ago.

Obviously I have thought about her since getting over the initial grief and pain of losing her, but I guess I’ve never had any visual cues or reminders of her, especially as her twin Sister died shortly afterwards. The truth is the pain is still there, but buried deep within my heart. It has been replaced with the happy memories of the funny habits she had, and all the happy times we had together. But every now and again it will resurface and I will feel the pangs and waves for a while.

So if your grief is raw and all encompassing right now, trust me when I say that it will fade over time and you too will find yourself remembering the good times and feeling immensely grateful for the time however short, you had with your pet.

Coping with the Holidays

But there are ways to work your way through the holidays that whilst they may not make you completely forget your pain, may help you cope with this stressful time of year.

If you are anything like me you will have routines around the holiday season that would have normally revolved around your pet. For example, you may have had a ‘Christmas Day Walk’ or prepared a special meal for your pet. You may have given them a special treat on that day or watched as they ripped open their presents. It is at these times when you may feel your grief most keenly as you remember the routines you used to have at certain times of the day.

One good way to deal with this is to change your routines. If you went for a Christmas Walk at a certain time of day, plan ahead to do something else at that time. This could be any of the suggestions on this page relating to your pet, or just something completely different. Plan your day in advance so that times that you know will trouble you are spent commemorating your pet’s life or getting involved in other activities that will occupy your mind.

Obviously noone can prove that life goes on after death and that a place like Rainbow Bridge really exists, but then again noone can prove it doesn’t exist either. So if you believe your pet is still with you in some way, believe that they are with you at these special times just as they would have been in life. Talk about them rather than avoiding doing so, recall happy memories of holidays past and try to include them in your celebrations somehow, even if it’s just to wish them a merry Christmas wherever they are.

Many people already light a candle on the anniversary of losing their pet, whether it be weekly, monthly or yearly and doing so can also be a comfort during the holidays. Candles represent the continuation of life after death, and the presence of hope even in our darkest moments.

Make a special Christmas decoration which includes a photo or memento of your pet and include it with your regular decorations. You could make a hanging photo decoration to hang on your tree from scratch or many stores sell ready made baubles with space inside for a photo to be placed.

Begin your holiday meal with a toast to your pet’s memory. Given the choice most people will avoid mentioning your pet because they think doing so may upset you, on the other hand their not mentioning your pet can feel to you as though they have already forgotten about them or that they do not value them as you do. If you would rather talk about your pet than not, counteract this reaction by mentioning them yourself, with a toast to their memory or perhaps just recalling previous holiday memories.

Write your pet a letter or a Christmas card. Many people simply keep this card whilst others may place it into their fire or attach it to a helium filled balloon and watch as it disappears into the sky.

Spend some time thinking about your pet. Whilst it is a good idea to keep busy in these times, it’s not always a good idea to try to completely ignore the way you may be feeling. Sometimes you just NEED to burst into tears, and acknowledge how you are feeling and you will feel better for doing so. So if it all gets too much remember that there is no prize for ‘holding it all together’ or ‘putting on a brave face’ for the benefit of others. Share these feelings with the people you love if you can, so that they are aware that you are finding things difficult. Acknowledging and sharing feelings is a strength not a weakness, whatever anyone else may tell you.

There may be times when you feel like you wished you had said something to your pet, or wish you could say something now. So talk to them, whether out loud or in your mind. Your thoughts need to go somewhere so if there is even the remotest possibility that your pet may hear you in some way, why not give it a try? Believe you are not alone in this, I and many people I know still say goodnight to pets we have lost even years later.

Closing Thoughts

Your support is much appreciated ; )

I won't end this newsletter wishing you the happiest Christmas ever because I know for many people that this simply won't be possible, but I do wish that you manage to find a quiet and peaceful moment during these next few weeks to relax and think of the friend you have lost, and know that somewhere they are thinking of you too.

Warmest Wishes,