November 25, 2009
Wishing Everyone A Happy and Manageable Holiday Season
As the holiday season fast approaches, I thought we should have another Newsletter about ways to help you through it. I say many of the same things every year, but that's because they are things that work for me and I hope will help you through these difficult times.
Coping Through the Holidays
Whilst the holiday season is intended to be a gathering of family and friends and a time of joy and peace, even under normal circumstances it can be stressful and trying for many people. When you have suffered the loss of a pet, the thought of having to work your way through the holidays can be overwhelming. Knowing you may be expected to put on a brave face and join in with the celebrations when this is the last thing you feel like doing can fill you with dread and make you feel even more stressed and miserable than you may already be feeling. Many of us can also feel guilty. How can we smile, eat and celebrate when our pet can no longer do any of these things? How can it be right to feel anything close to happiness again when they are gone from our lives?Our pain on these special occasions can also be difficult for many people to understand. If we lost our pet over the Holidays then people can see why they are a reminder of our loss, but if we lost our pet in June for example, many people find it difficult to understand why these times upset us and why when they thought we were 'over it' we now seem to be grieving again. But our pets are part of our families and celebrating after the loss of any family member can be hard, because we feel like they should be there celebrating with us. We feel their absence at these times even more strongly because these are times when our families are reunited and share happy memories together, and yet someone is missing so how can we even begin to enjoy this time when they aren't there?
But there are ways to work your way through the holidays that whilst they may not make you completely forget your pain, may help you cope with this stressful time of year.
Holidays are really just rituals and whilst it may not seem like it at first, rituals help us to travel from one point in time to another. When you are dealing with grief, rituals and ceremonies help us to keep moving, even when it seems like the last thing we want to do, and by keeping us moving they make it much easier to travel through our grief than it would be if we just stopped.
- Change your routines -
If you are anything like me you will have routines around the holiday season that would have normally revolved around your pet. For example, you may have had a special Walk or prepared a special meal for your pet. You may have given them a special treat on that day or watched as they ripped open their presents. It is at these times when you may feel your grief most keenly as you remember the routines you used to have at certain times of the day. The things you would have done at certain times of the day are suddenly no longer possible, or perhaps you have other pets and they are still possible, but there is something missing, the happy face of the friend you have lost.One good way to deal with this is to change your routines. If you went for a special walk at a certain time of day, plan ahead to do something else at that time. This could be any of the suggestions on this page relating to your pet, or just something completely different. Plan your day in advance so that times that you know will trouble you are spent commemorating your pets life or getting involved in other activities that will occupy your mind.
- Believe That Your Pet Is With You -
Obviously noone can prove that life goes on after death and that a place like Rainbow Bridge really exists, but then again noone can prove it doesn’t exist either. So if you believe your pet is still with you in some way, believe that they are with you at these special times just as they would have been in life. Talk about them rather than avoiding doing so, recall happy memories of holidays past and try to include them in your celebrations somehow, even if its just to wish them Happy Holidays wherever they are.- Light a Candle -
Many people already light a candle on the anniversary of losing their pet, whether it be weekly, monthly or yearly and doing so can also be a comfort during the holidays. Candles represent the continuation of life after death, and the presence of hope even in our darkest moments. Let the light of their candle represent a celebration of their continuing presence in your life, even if you cannot see them as you could before.
Red 'guarding' the presents with his spooky eyes.
- Create a Seasonal Memento -
Make a special seasonal decoration which includes a photo or memento of your pet and include it with your regular decorations. You could make a hanging photo decoration to hang on your tree from scratch or many stores sell ready made baubles with space inside for a photo to be placed. Just decorating a photo frame containing a photo of your pet, or placing a framed photo of them amongst your other seasonal decorations can help you to feel they are included and remembered at this special time of year.- Make a Toast -
Begin your holiday meal with a toast to your pet’s memory. Given the choice most people will avoid mentioning your pet because they think doing so may upset you, on the other hand their not mentioning your pet can feel to you as though they have already forgotten about them or that they do not value them as you do. If you would rather talk about your pet than not, counteract this reaction by mentioning them yourself, with a toast to their memory or perhaps just recalling previous holiday memories.- Send A Message -
Write your pet a letter or a Thanksgiving or Christmas card or just a message saying whatever it is your heart is feeling. Many people simply keep this card whilst others may place it into their fire or attach it to a helium filled balloon and watch as it disappears into the sky. If you’ve submitted a story or tribute to the PLM site, consider writing a message to your pet using the comments feature on your story or tribute pages.The act of writing down your feelings is really just a way of releasing them and letting them go. Sometimes in grief we can become ‘stuck’ on a particular train of thought, like ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I wish I’d done this’, or even just ‘I love you’. It can feel like we are going round in circles because our pet is no longer there to express these feelings to, but writing them down or just saying them out loud and believing that somehow our pet can know and understand them can help us give ourselves permission to stop feeling this way and prevent us from becoming 'stuck'.
I think of it like this, our thoughts are a bit like a pressure cooker and sometimes they just build up so much that we need to release them a little, to stop the feeling that at any moment we could 'explode'. Releasing them into the universe just enables a little bit of the 'steam' to escape, and allows us to carry on.
- Take Some Time -
Spend some time thinking about your pet. Whilst it is a good idea to keep busy in these times, its not always a good idea to try to completely ignore the way you may be feeling. Sometimes you just NEED to burst into tears, and acknowledge how you are feeling and you will feel better for doing so. So if it all gets too much remember that there is no prize for holding it all together or putting on a brave face for the benefit of others. Share these feelings with the people you love if you can, so that they are aware that you are finding things difficult. Acknowledging and sharing feelings is a strength not a weakness, whatever anyone else may tell you.- Talk to Your Pet -
There may be times when you feel like you wished you had said something to your pet, or wish you could say something now. So talk to them, whether out loud or in your mind. Your thoughts need to go somewhere so if there is even the remotest possibility that your pet may hear you in some way, why not give it a try? Believe you are not alone in this, I and many people I know still say goodnight to pets we have lost even years later. Maybe they can hear us and maybe they can’t but it is something I personally feel the need to do and so I do. The alternative is to try to stop myself thinking about them, talking about them or speaking to them when I get the natural inclination to do so, but I know they are still with me somehow even if I can’t prove it or fully understand it, so why wouldn’t I talk to them?"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
Leo Buscaglia
Closing Thoughts
In my last Newsletter I mentioned there would soon be improvements and changes to the site, and I am still busy working on these although I know it probably doesn't look like it!Unfortunately I have such a bad broadband connection that I am trying to work on everything offline in the hope of making the online changes all at once when everything is ready. I am working on them though honest and hopefully between now and the New Year there will be lots more pages and features on the site.
I'd also like to say thank you once again to everyone who has contributed to the site this year whether it be through your stories, tributes, poetry or diaries, spreading the word about the site or just by posting comments on the stories of other visitors.
All these things help to keep the site going and to provide a source of comfort for future visitors.
Your support is much appreciated ; )
I won't end this newsletter wishing you the happiest holidays ever because I know for many people that this simply won't be possible, but I do wish that you manage to find a quiet and peaceful moment during these next few weeks to relax and think of the friend you have lost, and know that somewhere they are thinking of you too.
Warmest Wishes,
Bunny Hankers xxxxx