Welcome to the first Pet Loss Matters

‘Pangs & Waves’ Newsletter

Firstly apologies for the delay in writing this newsletter but a lot has been happening lately, some of it good and some of it not so good, but it all added up to various obstacles which have prevented me writing this newsletter until now.

First of all I became officially retired off sick, but not before having to deal with lots of legalities and other stuff which took up the little energy I have left with ME. Then I had a holiday booked but was worried about leaving my cats with a pet sitter (my dogs come on holiday with me). I’ve always hired a pet sitter when I go away after having left my cats for the one and only time in a kennels when I was suddenly made homeless imbetween moving houses and had nowhere I could keep my cats before moving into my new house. I didn’t have time to check out the kennels which I guess I really should have done but they were a well known established place so I thought they would be okay.

After a week in the kennels my cats looked scruffy and dirty and like the grumpiest cats you’ve ever seen. They refused to even look at me for weeks. So that would be the last time I would ever place them in kennels. I started using pet sitters a few years ago and whilst they did try to take care of my cats, I have a problem with neighbours feeding them which results in them thinking they have somewhere else they can go at night, and therefore don’t bother coming in when I call them.

So for the past few years I’ve had this constant fear that they could get run over or locked in somewhere and I wouldn’t know because they aren’t coming home regularly having been tempted with various treats by the neighbours. Non pet owners just don’t seem to understand that responsible owners care where their pets are and want to be sure they are safe. So many cats get killed on the roads, particularly in the Summer and at night and giving them an excuse to stay out all night helps nobody. So for years I’ve been worried at every car speeding past and secretly wondering if they are okay.

The problem is when I go on holiday even if I hire a pet sitter I can’t expect them to go searching for my cats or knocking on people’s doors and subsequently the last two holidays I’ve been on, on both occasions one of my cats has been knocked down by a car because they come in even less when strangers are in the house and are out all night putting their lives at risk.

So I had the bright idea of buying a cat kennel and run and putting my cats in it whilst I am away. I still booked a pet sitter to keep them company and change their food and water, etc but I just thought at least then I’ll know they’re safe and I know exactly where they are. I ordered my kennel and run and my holiday was fast approaching when I discovered that the company I had bought it from had disappeared, so in a mad rush I found another much better kennel and run and ordered it in a hurry.

The kennel and run unexpectedly turned up a day early and the driver refused to help me bring it in and left it in the middle of the road blocking the traffic. In a rush to get it inside in the pouring rain I slipped up my front doorstep and did something horrible to my ankle. It really really hurt but I just thought it was a little bruised so I kept on bringing the pieces in.

Then when it was all in I sat down to have a rest and quickly discovered that I couldn’t actually get up again. I never realised how useful ankles were! Suddenly I couldn’t get up or get around and a trip to the accident and emergency department the following day (I didn’t go straight away as I was secretly hoping if I just ignored it it would go away) revealed I had broken it. This was just 5 days before I was due to go on my dog walking holiday. So I had to cancel and couldn’t even use the time to work on the site or my book, or even this newsletter because my computer is at the top of my rickety old stairs which are dangerous at the best of times.

Red my Cocker Spaniel has also been ill and has problems with his hips and a chronic ear infection which has resulted in numerous trips to the vets. When he went in to have a body scan they found what they thought was a tumour on his liver but they can’t be sure without surgery and that has complications in itself. So for the moment the Vets have advised that I just leave it and ‘wait and see’. I’m trying not to think about it as they have said it could be something he has always had but hasn’t shown up before now, but it’s still in the back of my mind worrying me.

Pet Tribute or Pet Loss Story?

Firstly telling your pet’s story can be very cathartic for many people. When you lose a pet you often find you want to tell everyone about them and just letting their story pour out onto the page can provide a release from this feeling. Secondly I know from personal experience that reading other people’s pet loss stories can help you feel that you are not alone and that everyone goes through the same feelings and thoughts at this difficult time.

Originally I hesitated at adding a tributes section because I already had the pet loss stories section and I was keen to avoid confusing people, but as the site started to develop I felt it would be wrong not to offer people this option. A pet tribute to me is just that, a tribute where you remember your pet, perhaps add the dates of their life, a photo and some words that are special to you.

So please don’t think that just because you have submitted a story or a tribute that you are restricted to adding just that, I would encourage people to make use of both in a way that suits you. It is my intention that making submissions to these pages will always remain free of charge unlike some other sites which charge for tributes so please make the most of them in the knowledge that they will remain there forever, free of charge.

Also if you would like to add more than one photograph to your submission or you have made a submission in the past but did not feel ready at that time to include a photograph, but now would like to, then please feel free to use the submission pages to send me your photos. I just need you to enter your name and pet’s name and then just add the photograph and submit (please enter your name and pet’s name you originally used if you have already made your main submission). I can then match these up to your original submissions and add your photographs to the pages.

Advertising on the Site

I am trying to contain them as much as is possible so as not to ruin the look and feel of the site, and rest assured I will try to make them as unobtrusive as possible.

Cloning Your Pet – Will it Really Make You Happy?

It’s my opinion that if you are looking for a carbon copy of your pet, then it’s probably too early to be looking for a pet at all.

Most people go through a stage when they lose their pet of wishing they could just turn back time and have them back, and this leads to many searching for an identical pet to ‘plug the gap’ that the lost pet has left. This is really part of the Denial stage of grief and fills you with the idea that if you can just find a pet that looks identical everything will seem as it did before and you can convince yourself that none of the bad stuff ever happened.

But whilst doing this may provide a temporary break from your feelings of grief, it isn’t going to mean you get to bypass the stages of grief altogether. You may find that your feelings continue after a brief period of remission or that you even start to resent your new pet because it starts to develop and grows into it’s own personality and one that isn’t the one you were expecting.

Of course it isn’t just the pet owners themselves that fall into this way of thinking, often friends and family can mistakenly believe that presenting you with a new puppy of kitten that appears similar to the pet you have lost will suddenly make your grief go as quickly as it arrived. This can be a difficult situation to deal with and my best advice would be to gently tell anyone you believe may consider getting you a new pet that you would like to be given the time to consider getting a new pet for yourself.

Of course often a new pet can help with your grief, but it has to be at the right time and for the right reasons and only you can know that time.

If you’re at this stage and you find you still want to find a new pet similar to your previous pet, there are ways of ensuring your new pet is as much like the pet you have lost as possible. If your pet was a pedigree it’s often possible to find a puppy or kitten from the same bloodline by obtaining their pedigree from the kennel club and contacting the breeder.

If your pet was a rescue you might consider obtaining your new pet from the same shelter to provide a link in that way.

If your pet isn’t a pedigree is can often still be possible to trace their relatives and find a new pet that is in some way related to them. People take this route for many reasons, perhaps because they like a particular breed or look of a pet, but also because they feel that a small part of their previous pet will be contained in their new pet, even if it is via a distant relative. Any kind of link can be particularly comforting when you're grieving and as long as it has the right motivation behind it can be a positive thing.

Remembering Your Pet – Ashes into Fireworks

At first sight the idea of turning your pet’s ashes into fireworks will probably seem slightly crazy to most people. Your pet after all, probably spent most of their lives horrified even by the distant sound of them! But to me the idea of turning their ashes into fireworks isn’t really about whether or not your pet enjoyed fireworks, it’s deeper than that and more about the idea of sending your pet’s ashes up into the heavens and saying goodbye.

It’s a similar idea I guess to naming a star after them, but with the fireworks option you get to take a more active role, since it will be you that lights the fireworks and watches the display they make. It also gives you the opportunity to hold a memorial ‘event’ or ‘remembrance party’ that you may invite others to, to celebrate your pet’s life.

The display could be a private or more public event depending on who you would like to invite and you could also include a reading or even a simple ceremony to say goodbye to your pet.

Things to remember with this option for remembering your pet are:

- You will have to handle and separate a portion of your pet’s ashes, most companies send you a resealable package in which you place a small amount of your pet’s ashes and return to them

- Usually only a token amount of ashes are used, so some people may dislike the idea of separating a portion of ashes from the rest, as many people view them as part of their pet and may then view the remaining ashes as having a part missing

- If you are thinking of doing this for someone else, please ask them first as if they do place great significance on their pet’s ashes then they may not take kindly to them being disturbed and/or separated

There are a number of companies offering this service and the best way to find them online is to do a search on ‘ashes into fireworks’ in one of the search engines. Shop around as prices can vary greatly from anywhere between $500 to $1000.

Other services also provided by these companies include glowing ‘Lancework Messages’ where your pet’s name can be displayed in glowing letters to be used at your event.

If you have the money to spend and really want to splash out, many of these companies also offer a ‘manned firework display’ where they will actually come to your event in person and run the display for you. Again prices vary but the ones I have come across start at around $3000 plus taxes.

Happy Memories

This submission section would be an opportunity to remember the memories of our pets that made us smile including photographs and stories and an opportunity for everyone making their way through pet grief recovery to share their memories when they reach the stage where they can face those memories again and remember the happy times rather than just the bad.

I’d be grateful for any feedback on this idea as I’d only like to add this section if you think it will be helpful. So if you like the idea of being able to share your happy memories as you move through grief then please let me know via the Contact Me page, I am always happy to receive your emails on any topic.