My Beloved Portia

by Max
(UK)

Portia came into my life in 2005, I took her in. My sister's friend took her in as she was being mistreated in her former home, but her baby was allergic to her. I remember the day so clearly when I went into her flat to look at her. As soon as I saw her across the kitchen on the draining board, I knew that she was coming home with me.

I renamed her Portia, as I didn't think her former name of Spice suited her at all, she was a classy woman and needed a fitting name! I took her home and she fitted in right away, showing our other cat Dibber who was boss from the word go. We formed such a bond right away, she slept on my bed, on my clothes, would wash my hair and groom me, and would show off alarmingly if I spent any time away... Eventually forgiving me. She was clumsy like me, too.

She loved being in the garden, would catch the odd bird, was very very agile and just a beautiful beautiful cat with such a strong personality.

She was an adult cat when I took her in, I put her into the vet to be neutered to find that she had already been done, I had quite the cold shoulder from her for having her shaved and prepped for theatre for no reason!

She didn't judge me, she was there for me when my dad passed away, tolerated my ex partners before taking a huge shine to my fiancé Daniel. If I was in any doubt that Dan was the one, Portia confirmed it for me.

She developed hyperthyroidism two years ago, became very thin and we knew something was wrong. We took her to the vet and we tried her on both tablet types, before trying a special diet which seemed to work much better. She stopped the associated vomiting etc and started to put some weight back on. All seemed to be going well.

Unfortunately, she started drinking lots of water and became withdrawn. I was unhappy so took her back to the emergency vet who discovered that she had kidney failure. She was hospitalised and hooked up to fluids to flush the kidneys and rehydrate her. We took her home on Monday night and she was a lot more settled at home. She was eating and drinking and happy to be back with us.

Tuesday evening, however and she took a huge turn for the worse. She staggered downstairs to where myself and Dan were watching television and it was obvious that she was in a bad way. She was panting, struggling to breathe and very unsteady on her feet. I went to pieces seeing her like this. Dan comforted her, I stroked her, kissed her, we put the fan on her to cool her down.

Dan asked me to go and get my mum from her house which I did. She was clearly starting to suffer and it wasn't fair to leave her in that way. It was clear then that we had come to the end of the line for her. Her little eyes had faded. She lay under the dining table and I stroked her, told her how she was my special girl, always had been and always will be. I thought of everything we had been through. I kissed her. I then had to leave the house. I couldn't be there.

Dan and my mum drove her the short distance to the vets, and they held her, stroked her and loved her as the vet put her to sleep. She didn't suffer, and slipped away very quickly.

I feel awful. I should have been there, I should have been the one holding her but I just couldn't bear it. I feel so guilty about that. I feel like I betrayed her.

I miss her like I never thought I would. I have taken the day off work as I am consumed with grief. I keep crying uncontrollably and I don't like being at home as everything reminds me of her. The are little paw prints, fur, reminders everywhere.

I made a photo montage that I have put up on the wall. I never want to forget her. I would do anything to have her here with me and I don't believe in religion etc but I hope one day that I will see her again. She really was my little princess.

I will always love her and will never be the same.

My princess xxx