Ode to Max

by Jesse Schiller
(Boynton Beach, Fl, USA)

Again, taciturn and restless, I struggle to sleep. I hear your song playing, delicate and tranquil. You used to lay with me close with pure contentment while the guitar strings strummed away our worries. It brought us far away from here. Somewhere you deserved to be. Engaging and free.

For a brief moment, I let go and sleep. Normally the detachment of mind and body is predictable, but something was offbeat this time. The distinction between that which I perceived as true and false were completely wrong. My vision skewed, I felt as if I was looking through decaying eyes. Through these eyes I saw you.

For the first time since you passed I finally saw you and I couldn't cease my own self loathing and anxiety to see it clearly and relish in it. I didn't even recognize you. Your body thin, hair patchy and whiskered. You seemed as if you're deteriorating with every breath you took. Eyes small and piercing, as if asking me "Why didn't you save me?" You lay before me tormented but too listless too move. You gazed at me, helpless and afraid you passed again, right before my very eyes.

Anew, I couldn't save you. I should've done something but I was so confused and ignorant. I lost you all over again. Even in my own head I couldn't save you. I never meant for it to be like this. I became the crumbling beast I perceived you as and I let you take the blame. I awoke in tears and sweating profusely. I felt plagued. There are so many things wrong with me, but you were the only thing that was consistently right.

A day doesn't go by that I don't think of you. With everything so wrong in my life, it's just so hard to do it alone. You were more than just my friend. You gave me a reason to be. A reason to come home. I feel ruined without you here. They say, "Solace in acceptance." Almost eleven months later, it still feels like today when you died in my arms. The only other consistency in my life, is that whether I like it or not, I'll still wake up tomorrow.