Beloved Black Dog

by Renay Smith
(Australia)

Hi I've just lost my darling boy suddenly aged only 5. It was fast, horrific, cruel & heartbreaking.

At midday I noticed he looked bit off but assumed he got a bug from dog next door. Later he vomited twice but wasn't bad. Next thing I know he's shitting blood. I knew that was serious so my friend picked us up at 1 am to go to emergency vet.

What she said gutted me. She said he had parvo even though 2 tests were negative. I know it was gastro. I'd lost another dog from gastro & they were identical cases. She told me he was dying & I needed to end his suffering.

I went there thinking he'd get medicine & sent home or at most stay overnight. Only hours ago he was happy playing now I had to end his life. I was devastated & crying, begging vet to fix my son. I couldn't stay to end it so my dear friend stayed with him.

In 12 hrs my world was shattered. Koda wasn't sick a day in his life. I looked up both illnesses & I'm more convinced it was gastro. He ticked all boxes for gastro, but few things didn't add up with parvo. I went home without my boy to scrub my carpet to remove all the blood at 3 am. Stripped my bed cause covered in blood. My bedroom stunk of death & my other dogs refused to enter my room.

I rushed my 3 dogs to my vet in morning to get them vaccinated. But I'm further devastated when told they all will have parvo that vaccines won't help if they have it. Told it's definite they'll get sick, just added grief when I'm stil dealing with Koda's death just hours before. I had Koda cremated & still don't understand why he died.

I feel guilty that I didn't take him vet when first sick. He suffered so much & it consumes my mind. How did he go from playing in morning to dead just 12 hours later. My other dogs didn't get sick adding to my theory that wasn't parvo. It's extremely contagious, can be on shoes, carpet anywhere. I threw out everything he touched but kept few items that were special.

I can't have kids so my dogs are my kids. Most people have parents, uncle, friends, family but I've got no one. I'm disabled & spend my time spoiling my babies. The pain I feel is worse than losing a person. I'm still gutted & doubt I'll ever understand why & how.

I failed my boy. What I really want is to get a tattoo of him. But can't afford it. I know it would help me with my grief & pain. I'm determined to get it eventually. MY BELOVED BLACK DOG. MY PROTECTOR IN LIFE MY ANGEL IN DEATH. His toys still on the floor. I sleep with his favorite toys. Still call him. I miss you boy.