Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Dea & Samantha'

Mar 16, 2013

Hey sweet pea ~

Day --- ~ I really don't understand how I am supposed to do this. I thought I hated everything and everyone in my life before but without you (the only good thing I ever had), it's a million times worse. I have started cutting myself again and it works for a minute but then the pain is back and I have to cut again. I am running out of places to cut, then what?

I wish I could know why. I wish I had a reason why a 2 year old kitten just seems to drop dead for no apparent reason. I don't think it would make me feel better or ease this pain but at least I would know.

This kind of pain is indescribable. And I see no end in sight. Some people tell me I need to fill your void with another cat ~ are you f*cking kidding me? When I go outside and sit by your grave, I don't know what to say. I just sit there and cry and say I'm sorry. This endless crying is insane. Everything reminds me of you.

I think of all the things we didn't do and all the things we'll never get to do. I just thought you would be there with me longer. Of course not forever but at least longer than 2 years. I think I took you for granted (by forgetting someday you will be gone and for assuming you will always be with me).

They say someday the pain will lessen and that at some point I will be able to think and talk about you, not not only without crying but I will be able to smile.

All I can say to that is BULLSHIT!! A big piece of me died when Sammy died and I will never get that part back.

At this point, all I can think to do (that eases the pain for a second) is to cut myself. So that's what I will do . . .

Samantha ~ there are no words to express what your loss has done to me. If you can I hope you still remember me and how much I love you.

Remember when I would ask you ~ 'What am I going to do without you?' I now have my answer. Or how about this one ~ 'Who loves you more than me?' Be at peace my angel.

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