Your Pet Loss Diaries

Nov 5, 2012

Hi sweat pea!

I'm not sure why I set up this pet loss diary or why I keep sending in entries. I guess I thought it would help in some way but it hasn't. As I'm writing my entry I become hysterical & sob like a baby, and now that i have a few entries, I just read them over & over and cry.

I feel like I'm stuck on the day she died. I still feel the same as I did then. The world around me is continuing on it's merry way, like nothing happened & I should do the same. But something did happen and the fact that I can't change it is slowing driving me crazy!!

So, I just stay away from people because they say her name as if it's just another word.

The other day, my dad & I were in my grandma's room. She's 88 years old and can't remember things from minute to minute. Sometimes she doesn't know me or my dad or anyone, so I thought if she doesn't remember people or things she has known for years, surely she wouldn't remember Sammy ~ who she's only known for 8 months.

Boy was I wrong. My other two cats were in there with us ~ Pooh Butt was laying at the foot of her bed: she's solid gray with spots and Rocco was laying on a table beside her bed: he's gray striped like my Sammy. So we're talking about nothing in particular when suddenly she looks at my cats and asks me 'Whose cats are these?' I say 'They're mine grandma.' She looks at Rocco and says 'This one looks like the other one' and she starts looking around the room. I say 'Which other one grandma?' and she says 'The one without white feet.'I leave the room crying and I hear her ask my dad 'Doesn't she have 3 cats?' my dad says 'She had 3 cats but now she has 2, 1 died.' I cried hysterically once again.

Or a few days ago, my brother and I were outside talking to a neighbor and she says 'I saw the memorial you have for your cat' (I buried her in the front yard and planted flowers, put some cat things there and hung a 'in loving memory' sign I made on a tree beside her) of course I started crying and walked away. I heard my brother say to her 'she's still very upset.'

You know if I am angry at anyone ~ I guess it would be God or whoever decision it was to take my girl from me...