Your Pet Loss Diaries

Jan 9, 2013

by Lizzie
(London)

The last two days have been very difficult. When we get our 2 boys out, I still try to find him in the cage. I still think he will be here when I get home.

I buried his body yesterday, in the plant pot, and planted a snow drop bulb in the soil. I say his body because it isn't him - it's what's left of him. What hurts is that we will never see 'him' again, in regards to his adorable and kind nature, his way of never stealing food or making a fuss and mostly, the way he would cuddle up to us on cold nights when he was out.

I feel so guilty. That's why I am finding sleep and eating very hard. I knew he was ill, and if I had just pushed the receptionist at the vets to move the appointment date forward, he might still be here. I haven't been crying as much though, just feeling low with a twinge of apathy. I would give ANYTHING to have him back, but through looking at the stages of grief, I never really go through the 'bargaining' stage - I know he is gone, I just find it hard to accept - I often get stuck in the denial phase along with the depression phase.

I miss him so much, he was my bubba. My mum keeps talking to me about getting another one, but I don't want another rat - I want him back. Even though I know it's impossible.