Your Pet Loss Diaries

Jan 10, 2013

by Gabrielle
(Scotland)

The pain ought to get better but it isn't. A lot of what I feel is guilt which I know everyone feels. You feel you have let your pet down. It is so painful because unlike a human you could not explain what was happening and why you had to make that ultimate decision. It always seems like a betrayal.

I also feel guilty because Alfie is the only cat I did not take to the vets myself and the only time I did not go with him. I had gone to the doctor the day before because of I was suffering from low thyroid hormone and adrenal insufficiency and ordered bed rest. We had decided that morning that as Afie was not eating, it was the end stage. As I really was too ill to get up let alone make the journey Leslie persuaded me to let him go alone as it was unfair to allow Alfie to suffer on till I was better.

When he returned having been told there was really no hope for a better outcome, Alfie had been euthanised. He was still warm and I held him wrapped in his fleecy blanket that he slept on on the bed. I closed his eyes and he looked alive but sleeping. I suppose this seems silly but my pets have always been very important to me ever since childhood. It pains me to say it but some are more special than others. I think I may have said that those whose time is destined to be short seem to know and make up for that in their enjoyment of life and what you do for them, so the gap they leave cannot be filled. This is doubly sad because at my age it is not practical to take on any more pets as I will probably die before they do. Having said that - even that is not certain as I fully expected Alfie to be with me till the end of my days. I shall probably soldIer on till 100 like my mother and live in loneliness. Must stop this self-pity and concentrate on Josie and looking after her. After all, Alfie protected her and she misses him as much as I do.

There were times when he cuddled her and she turned her back on him, but they often slept side by side and now she misses that. I know exactly how she feels.