Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Heather & Montana'

Tuesday Mar 8, 2011

by Heather
(Illinois)

Today was a little better. I found some support and got a phone call from a vet counseling center. What really helped was hearing about the options for other cats with the same presenting problems as mine had - basically put to sleep or let them suffer. I was told I made the loving choice. It helped me so much to hear that - I have had so much doubt. I think I am the only who doubts my decision. It was just so hard.

I am starting to accept the decision I made and focus on the good parts - she was not alone and I comforted her as much as possible. I look at pictures of her when she was younger - I don't have a lot but there a a few good ones. I compare them to the ones I took in her final days and she looked so different. It helps to look at both because it helps ease my mind about the decision I made. Of course it does not change my love for her.

She is buried right outside my window with a special heart I made and wrote on. At night I can see a little of it from my window and I walk around there in the day to talk to her.
It does help to talk about it to people who understand. There are people who have been there and are supportive. There is no judgment and they are not subjective and don't depend on me being strong or for anything else. I am just doing what I can to heal my heart. There is a big emptiness that I can't fill.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride - I feel okay and then something sets me off and I'm crying again. It's like a wound that cannot heal. I think I'd rather feel numb than to feel the pain again. It is better. It's definitely not good yet but I can function a little bit better.

I had to go out today and I didn't want to but it was okay. I got that phone call at a perfect time. I am glad there are people to turn to in my time of need. I wish I cold have had more healthy days with my kitty but I can't change that now. Somehow I can feel her with me - like a bond that can't be broken.

Today I was asked if she was my heart kitty and she really was. Or is. She was that extra special pet who touched my heart. I don't know how or why but it's that kind of love that makes you go through it even though you know it can't last forever. Too bad the pain doesn't happen first and the good times forever.


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