by Hilary

So I ordered a piece of jewelry from a website that allows you to place a small portion of cremains in a sealed container.

It arrived on Saturday. During the entire "filling" process I was so clinical and detached, because I didn't want to "think" about what exactly it was that I was doing.

As soon as I was done and had replaced Suzy's ashes in her urn, I just broke down.

It's been a little over two weeks and I feel her loss sharply. I mourn for her so deeply, and know that only time is going to end this daily, desperate ache, but it seems as if that point is never going to come.

I could have swore when I woke up last night in the middle of the night that Suzy was laying in bed with me.... I had to rub my eyes, and then realized it was Sybil, and it was such a crushing moment, because I truly believed for that split second that it was Suzy laying there, I swore I could see her stripes.

I know that I'm never going to see her again this side of Heaven, or wherever, and it hurts deeply, because I just so badly want to scoop her up and hold her, feel her, kiss her..... It seems like for every step I take forward, I end up taking two or three back, so I feel like I've had very little, if any, progress.

My chest still caves when I walk through the door, I still subconsciously attempt to look in all of her normal places, and she's never there....

Having this necklace is actually a comfort... A part of her is with me everytime I put it on..... When I'm not wearing it, it's draped over her picture, which sits next to her urn. I just feel like if I'm not wearing it, then ALL of her needs to be in one place.

Sybil has started to sneeze... A huge chunk of gunk came out and I freaked, because this is how everything started with Suzy... I just can't bear the thought.... I have her going to the vet first thing Saturday morning.... I can't go down this road again... I don't have the strength.