Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jessika & Ruby'

Trying to Get Through This

July 16, 2012

by Jessika
(Santa Maria, CA)

It's now day three. I'm sitting in bed doing this and thinking about my little girl. Why did this have to happen to her?

Moreover, I just feel so much anger for my mother-in-law. I know she didn't cause Ruby's disease but her sabotaging her last treatment made it to where Ruby's last week was painful. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for that. All she had to do was listen. Ruby did not deserve that.

I miss her so much. The "what if's" and "if only's" keep flying through my head despite all of the "you did everything you could's". My mom wanted an autopsy for her for more answers. Good idea but it's too late and honestly I didn't want my girl all cut up. That and the vets had said that it had to have been a gastrointestinal disease because nothing was working. I just don't understand. Why my baby Ruby?

Tucker is having a hard time. He and Ruby were best buds. We've been having him sleep with us since Ruby's passing. We don't care what my in-laws say anymore. He still sleeps at the foot of the bed on my husband's side but his demeanor is different. I think he knows Ruby is not coming home when he comes in with us. He still looks for her but at the end of the day when he sees that she's not on my side of the bed, it hits him. I keep her collar there though so it is close. It still has her smell on it, I hope it stays. Granted it's dirty dog smell but still.

We should get her ashes back by the 27th July. I don't know how I'm going to handle that. I sometimes think that she'll be coming back all better; that we'll continue on with life and her and Tucky will be back to running around in the back yard and watch them grow old. But I know that's just me not wanting to accept that she's gone. It's tough that I'm majoring in psychology so I know what I'm going to be feeling so I try to stop it but it just comes back even stronger. I know I have to deal with my feelings. Ruby would not have wanted me to be like this. After all, I told her that I was going to be okay... eventually.

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