Your Pet Loss Diaries

May 26, 2012

by Louise
(Australia)

I think today was the hardest so far. I've been struggling to hold back tears all day and am so exhausted but I don't want to sleep. I've spent the entire day outside in the garden again.. I can't bear to be inside the house for too long. The overwhelming feeling of sadness is killing me, I can't stop it and I know it's not right. I know I should be trying to remember the positive things but the pain overrides it and I constantly think of the fact that you are gone. There is nothing else on my mind except for you.

I feel so bad and am riddled with guilt as well. Even though I'm now educated on the stages of grief and know that it's normal. I still keep beating my self up. I feel so bad for everything... For scolding you, for not taking you to the beach more often, not walking you enough, going out and not coming home sooner... So many things that I should of done or done better..

I know you loved me and appreciated all I did for you but I could have done better. I hate feeling this way but I know it's a process I must go through in order to survive. But it still hurts. I've been awake for over 36 hours now as I didn't sleep after my night shift. I feel so lost and just don't know what else to do, so I write to you in a journal that I've started and I keep moving. If I sit still it feels like the pain and sadness will consume me completely.

I visited your grave today but didn't stay long, we had people here and I didn't want them to see me crying. It kills me inside to think of you up there, cold and alone. I wish I could cuddle you and keep you warm. Its been so cold since you left us baby.. I hope you are warm wherever you are you. I hope you're safe and happy and most of all I hope you don't miss us as much as we miss you.. I would hate to think that you were sad too...

I will forever see your happy face in my mind and will remember it always. I love you darling, more than anything and miss you so much it hurts. Xxx