(Woodbury, CT, USA)
Today is Monday, March 23rd, 2009 and it has been five weeks since I had Buddy euthanized. There have been moments on some days when I've felt a little better. I have had moments also, when I sensed his memory slipping from me a bit and that was upsetting to me because I don't want to forget him.
I don't mean forget as if he were just never around. I mean that tactile sense I had and that I could recall more clearly stroking Buddy's head, holding him, interacting with him in mundane ways on a daily basis. But still sometimes, I think of how he jumped into the kitchen sink when I was there and he sat in the sink, looked up at me, and meowed at me. He was trying to tell me something - maybe that he was sick and maybe he was asking for my help? This recollection still haunts me.
I saw the vet today for my other cat, Sparky, and of course I had to ask about Buddy's last days - and how long would he have lasted if I had him stay over for the iv fluids. The doctor said that he might have gone on for another week or so - but it was hard to say. We also discussed how Buddy was probably stressed the last two weeks of his life not only because he was sick, but because Sparky was pouncing on Buddy and beating him up so to speak. Buddy weighed only six pounds or less, was weak, and Sparky is 13.9 pounds and young and healthy. I stopped it of course whenever I was there, but I wasn't always there.
I almost adopted another cat this weekend named Leo from the Feline Welfare Society, but my vet advised me to hold off on adopting right now since I'm still raw and stressed about losing Buddy. He said he didn't think I was ready and that I should let things settle. Maybe next year, he said. But I didn't want to drop the ball on the feline welfare society so I agreed to foster this cat until another home came up.
I also added a statue of a sleeping cat to Buddy's grave. I go to the grave site several times a day and say hello to Buddy. I still miss him terribly and I've been crying a lot this entire weekend and all day today. It just isn't the same without him - there is such a void.
I went to dinner at my former landlord's house last night. They used to let Buddy and Monkey in and out throughout the day while I was working. We reminisced about Buddy when I lived in their apartment six or seven years ago. They laughed about how Buddy used to walk right into their house and how their grand daughter, Samantha, used to scream with excitement and anticipation at seeing Buddy. She couldn't wait to see him.
I can tell it's going to take some time for this ache to heal. I wish you were still here, Buddy......
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