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It's the 9th of June, 4 months since my last entry. I haven't shared anything with you all, not cos I haven't felt or grieved, trust me that is not the reason, but because I couldn't find the strength to write down my pain.
I have read every entry of your love to your lost one's and felt everything you are suffering but I don't find it easy to put my feelings in black and white.
Every day is becoming more and more difficult and painful for me, it was my Zeus's 1st anniversary of his death on the 5th of June and I had no-one to turn to or grieve with, no-one even remembered but me!!!
I have been so down lately, the if's and but's and maybe's but this isn't about me, it's about my 2 lovely doggies of whom I have so many regrets about. Why didn't I know Zeus was suffering, had he been my human child I would have known, but when I realised something was wrong... it was 2 late, why didn't I realise my Shimma was not only pining after her life-long companion but that she was very poorly herself, I ignored the signs and when I realised something was wrong... it was 2 late.
I can't get thru a single day without calling out their names and talking 2 them in my head, there is so much anger in myself for what I didn't do, or the times they were bad and got a smack, I just hate myself and this is the 1st time I can write down my feelings and hope I can eventually forgive myself for all my wrong doings and they can forgive me too.
I have wanted for so long to talk about my lovely Shimma and Zeus but I never felt I had a right to cos I let them down.
Today I found some strength and I hope they know just how much I truly loved them but didn't know myself just how much....
I love you Shim Shim, and I love you Zeusy more than you or I could have ever had imagined...
Till we all meet up again you will always be in my heart and my mind
