Your Pet Loss Stories

'My Soul Mate'

by Kimberly M.

Yesterday, September 25, 2012 I lost my dear, sweet Jasmine. I can't begin to describe the unbearable pain her passing has caused in my heart. I'm guessing that I don't have to as you have all experienced a similar pain as mine.

"Jazzy" was given to me at around 8 weeks old by a dear friend. She would've turned 15 in October. From the very beginning I knew she was like no other dog I had ever had. Of course I've loved them all, but Jazzy found a special place in my heart from the moment I laid eyes on her.

She was considered the runt of the litter of half Rottweiler, half Cocker Spaniel pups. What we would later find out was that she wasn't a runt at all, but the only one of her brothers and sisters that looked completely Cocker (but with a Rotty attitude). And Jazzy was convinced she was human. Licking anyone was above her. Sharing of people food was often mandatory and very much expected (especially french fries)... not being polite often earned a very stern look of disappointment.

Doggie toys were considered unacceptable. Sleeping on the floor was not an option either and for many years she slept like a princess on a pillow right next to my head. When I was pregnant with both my daughters, she stayed right alongside my growing belly and laid by their swings after they were born. She followed me everywhere and was my shadow for nearly 15 years.

When she was nearing 14, the vet gave me the news that her kidneys were beginning to fail. They gave her 6 months, give or take. I was devastated. Of course, Jazzy being Jazzy (and me being me), we set out to prove them wrong. While we couldn't reverse the damage, at least we could slow its progression a bit, and we did. For a while at least.

Then about a month or so ago, she developed a cough. A few tests and an X-ray confirmed that she had developed congestive heart failure and while the medications would (and did) help her heart, her failing kidneys just couldn't handle the stress. This past weekend she stopped eating and began having trouble breathing. I thought that maybe the meds had made her tummy upset even though I knew her kidney values had been getting higher. Still I prayed for a miracle.

When I took her to the vet on Monday, the doctor confirmed my worst fears. Her values had risen to levels that even their instruments couldn't detect and there was nothing more they could do. I could either do the "humane" thing and "put her to sleep" or I could let her die at home. I hesitated in answering them, but when we got home I had already made the decision.

For the rest of the night I held her and barely left her side. She slept with me one last time, curled up on a blanket in my bed as I held her and cried. On Tuesday morning my husband and I took her in and said our painful goodbyes as they gave her the injection.

I've been wrestling with my decision ever since and wondering if I gave up on her too soon. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well, and I've spent most of the last two days either crying or catatonic. I've developed a habit of picking up her fuzzballs and kissing them before throwing them away. I can't even look in the pantry where we keep her food, and I sleep with the blanket she slept on during her last night with me. The smallest, most seemingly insignificant things hold so much meaning and cause so much pain. I've lost part of my soul... l feel empty inside.

The only thing that provides any solace is knowing that she is no longer suffering, but even that seems to wane after a while. I miss her so much. My Jazzy. My puppa. My soul mate. I'm completely lost without her. There is such a hollow place inside that I don't think I can ever fill again, nor do I want to. My beautiful baby is gone, and my life will never be the same.

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