Your Pet Loss Stories

'Guilt'

by Ann
(New York)

I have 3 cats and I do a lot of rescue, TNR. I found orange urine on the floor so I took two of the three to the vet, not sure which one it was. I told the vet I thought it was Stella, but Smoky started having seizures so she tested him and gave Stella her vaccines. His tests came out all negative and Stella went unattended.

Stella fell ill two weeks later and I force fed her thinking she had the flu. I could have saved her life if I had diagnosed her as soon as I saw the orange urine, a sign of liver failure that has a good prognosis if treated early.

By the time I got her into the vet, the cost was $100/day to keep her hospitalized. I couldn't afford it and she was so sick, suffered so bad and I had her put to sleep.

My grieving hurts so bad and I am weak and numb. I saved her life and now I am responsible for ending her life. I feel like someone punched me in the gut and I don't know how to deal with this horrible guilt.

I called one of those grieving pet hotlines. Veterinarian college in Davis, CA and the student told me that my cat is in the ground in a box because of me and that I should learn from that and take better care of the two I have left.

It sounded like she was reading from a script and she couldn't wait to get me off the phone, she kept asking me if I'd like her to mail me a brochure. She said that they volunteer for the support hotlines because they're trying to learn compassion. I told her that compassion can't be taught and ended the conversation.

Thanks for listening.

Ann