Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Benji & Cinnamon'

One Last Time

May 21, 2012

by Benji

It's been a long time since I've updated this diary. I suppose life really does go on, doesn't it? After you left, everything seemed surreal. You were so young when you passed away. Most of the pet losses I went through before you were caused by old age. But you were different. For that reason, I had convinced myself that one day, I would see you again. It was this belief that got me through much of my grieving, even though - deep down - I knew you were really gone.

For several months after you passed away, I had nightmares. I would see you the way you were the day you passed. I would hear you crying in my dreams, and I would wake up to find that you weren't there. These nightmares passed and I stopped dreaming about you. I no longer heard you crying in my sleep, I no longer saw you in pain while I dreamt. You weren't in my dreams at all. Not even the good ones. To my sleeping mind, it was as though you had never existed at all.

I hate admitting that, but perhaps - subconsciously - I was just trying to protect myself. Seeing you while I slept was too hard for me. So, I simply didn't dream of you. But you left so fast, that I felt like I was missing something. As silly as it may sound, I felt like I was missing closure. It was so sudden that I never got to prepare myself for the blow.

Last night, I saw you in my dreams. I wasn't looking for you. You found me. I hadn't realized that I'd almost forgotten just how big you were. I hadn't realized that I'd almost forgotten some of your special markings - like the blue merle on the backs of you ears. Everything that I'd nearly forgotten came to me in perfect clarity while I slept.

In the dream, I knew I was dreaming. I almost wish that I didn't, but perhaps, knowing was for the best. I slowly reached out to touch your fur, almost not sure it was you at all. Your fur was soft. Your coat was full and beautiful - like it was in the winter. It was you. I knew it was you. I wrapped my arms around you, just wanting to feel your fur one last time - and I will swear as long as I live that I could feel it. I told you that I loved you and that even though I knew it was a dream and I would soon wake, I was just happy to see you one last time. And then, as if it were cued, I woke up. I could sit here and analyze the dream all day, but I'm not sure what it means.

Maybe it was telling me that it was okay to no longer be sad - to no longer feel guilty for moving on. Maybe my subconscious wanted me to see you one last time before I finally take that last step and let go. Maybe, though it may seem impossible, you were trying to tell me that you were okay. That you were healthy again and doing just fine and that you wanted the same for me. Whatever the case, I feel as though you were really there last night. Not in body, but in spirit. Thanks for allowing me to see you one last time.

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