Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Benji & Cinnamon'

The Hole You Left

June 22, 2011

by Benji

Dear Cinnamon,

I thought about you again today. I've been thinking about you a lot this past week. I keep wondering if this feeling that something is missing will ever go away. I'll be alone in my room in the middle of the night and will suddenly recall the way you used to jump on me ever so gently, feet on my chest. And when I realize I haven't felt that in almost five months, I feel a hole in my heart. It's the hole that you once filled. I will never pet your head again, or hug you against my chest, or walk you. And every single day of my life, it feels like something is missing and I want that feeling to go away.

Some people have told me "just get a new dog". And maybe that works for some people. But I am not one of those people. No. A new dog is not a good idea. A new dog would make me miss you even more. I know this because my mother has been taking care of a certain mutt, and though I care about her, I do not love her. In fact, I feel an aching numbness when I look at her. Because she is not you. I have my other dogs and that's enough.

I will get another dog one day, but right now it is not an option. I am not financially ready and most importantly, I am not emotionally ready. Honestly, if someone else tells me to get another dog, I think I'm going to lose it. Another dog will not fill the hole you left. It will only make it deeper.

I keep running into people who don't understand why I care so much for dogs, Cinnamon. They seem to think that because I have a big heart for animals, I have no compassion for humans. They don't know me very well, do they, Cinnamon? One can mourn for a dog and still love a human. We should have compassion for all creatures, all living beings. It shouldn't matter whether or not they can talk. I know these people wouldn't understand my grief. Because they don't understand that you were more than "just a dog".

Cinnamon, you were one of my best friends, you were one of my shadows, you were my pet, my companion, my side kick. Cinnamon, you were far more than "just" anything. And you left a far bigger hole than I ever thought anything or anyone could leave. I wish filling it were as easy as getting another dog. But everyone grieves differently and sometimes, that's not the answer.


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