Your Pet Loss Diaries

Saturday Dec 6, 2008

by Dale Blake
(Oswego NY, America)

It's been about a month and a half since Blue died and I'm still having a real hard time with this. I can't believe he is really gone. This really is not happening. I'm overwhelmed with grief. Guilt. Sadness. I miss him. God I miss him. I keep waking up from all these really wierd nightmares and I get sucked right back in again.

I keep thinking tomorrow is going to be better. But it never is. I'm not understanding why this is happening to me. WHY, WHY, WHY. I have a really supportive Husband. But lately I have been hiding a lot of my pain from him. I can't keep making us both miserable all the time. I can't afford to see a counsellor or antidepressants. Me and my husband travel around the country for work so I have no land phone for hotlines so I have to deal with this crap by my self.

I'm really thankful to Bunny for making this website possible for people like me. I hope someday I can help her too. Should I get another puppy, will that make me feel better or will I just be doing it to save my feelings? I already know I can't or won't ever be able to replace Blue. I just don't know how long I can live with this. It's draining me. I'm weak. I dont know how to act. I can't shake this thing. I feel like a prisoner in my own body.

I was so happy everything was going my way and then I crashed. Never even seen it coming, my baby died in my arms on the way to the vets. I live this nightmare every day never waking up. I pray and I pray. Begging god to help me through this. Is he listening to me.