Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Diana & Leya'

December 21, 2010

by Diana
(Newmarket, Ontario, Canada)

My precious Leya. I have written a tribute to you here on this site, and I am starting a diary so that I can talk to you.

I have told everyone on the site what a beautiful girl you were, and how precious you are to me. You were such a wise and gentle soul and you gave us so much love and happiness during our 12 years together. You are and always will be my special baby. I want to think about all the wonderful years we shared, but I still seem to only think about the last few days we had together, and how sad they were for us. I am so sorry we couldn't make you better so that you could stay with us. I wish with all my heart that I had tried harder, but when I saw you laying there, unable to walk or barely move I knew you were suffering and would not be happy like that.

It was a shock to us to find out that you needed oxygen, and my heart broke when I saw you and the vet tech was holding the oxygen tubes at your nose to help you breathe better. I then took over the job of holding the oxygen for you, and even though they were the most painful moments, I treasure the last minutes I had with you. You gave me the most beautiful gift then, as I was holding the oxygen, you gently licked my hand as if to tell me everything would be okay.

Even as sick as you were, you were thinking about me and how to help me. You always took such good care of Daddy and I. I can't even measure how much I love you and miss you. I don't know if I made the right decision for you, and my heart breaks just thinking about what we did. I am having trouble living with the guilt I feel. I hope you understand that we couldn't let you continue on like you were, and when we made the decision to let you go, it was only because we love you so much and couldn't let you suffer. It has been a little over 4 months since we lost you, August 17th, 2010.

If you are watching me, you know I still can't stop crying. I know you only ever wanted me to be happy, so I try for you to feel better. I'm sorry it isn't working.

I wish we could be together again, like before. Home isn't home without you. The house and my life are empty without you. You are and always will be my treasure and you will always be in my heart. I started this diary because somehow I feel closer to you when I am writing to you.

Please always know that even though you aren't here, you will always be with me and I will love you until the day I die, and I pray that when that happens, you will be there to meet me and we can be together again. Thank you so much for being such a perfect girl and for all the love and happiness you gave us. You are my best girl forever Leya.

Always, Mommy

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