Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Diana & Leya'

First Christmas Without You Leya

January 4, 2010

by Diana
(Newmarket, Ontario, Canada)

Leya, my precious girl,

The Christmas holidays are finally over, my first since losing you. It was so difficult to do all I had to do. Just going through the motions but not feeling any happiness. How could I when you weren't with me. A new year has started and still I feel like the sadness will be with me forever.

A strange thing has happened and I need to tell you about it. Amanda was taking her puppy to see a pet communicator and I went with them. Aunt Karen was there with her 2 pugs, remember, they were at your birthday party. When it was our turn, the pet communicator asked me if I had a dog that recently died. I told her yes, and I guess she could see I was upset. She didn't say anything else and I thought it a bit strange but just let it go.

The next day, Aunt Karen came to see me and told me that after I left, the pet communicator told her that when I walked into the room where she was doing the pet communications, she could see a large dog walking in with me (meaning a spirit dog). She didn't tell me because she thought it would upset me. Karen told me because she thought it would make me feel better.

Are you with me Leya? I can't see you. I have hoped for you to come to me in a dream but so far you haven't. I don't know why. If you are with me, am I holding you here because I can't let you go. I want you to be happy and at peace. You were the only one who made me feel loved and needed. You were the only one to show happiness when I would come in after work. No matter what, you were there to make me feel like together we could handle anything life threw at us. Now, without you, I don't believe any more that things will be ok. I know you didn't want to leave. Please forgive me for not being able to save you, the way you saved me so many times.

I held your picture on New Year's Eve so that I started the new year as close to you as possible. It wasn't the same as other years when I held you, but it was all I could do.

As always Leya, you are in my heart forever...

Love Mommy

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