Your Pet Loss Diaries

Jan 31, 2011

by Diana
(Newmarket, Ontario Canada)

My precious Leya,

It has been over 5 months and the pain is still the same as the day I lost you. I thought somehow it would get better with time, but now I don't know. If anything, it seems to be getting worse, and the last week has been really hard. It's like a tidal wave of sorrow has washed over me and I'm drowning in it. I still can't listen to music. I don't know why but it just makes me cry even more. I still cry every day at work. I cry driving to work, and driving home from work. Whenever I think of you (which is every minute), the tears just come again.

I can't forget the look in your eyes when you were leaving. You trusted me to help you, and I couldn't. I'm so sorry Leya. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I wanted you to stay with me.

I keep your little hippo that you got for your birthday by my bed and I often pick it up and hold it to my face to try and see if I can still smell your scent. So many of my tears are mixed in now. The body of the little hippo has large holes that you made before you left. I often touch them and cry, because I know your beautiful teeth made them, and I know how much fun you had doing that. You always loved to play with your toys, even at 12 years old. You had such a love of life. I need to learn to have that too, but you aren't here to teach me.

I went to visit a doberman rescue and took some toys for the dogs there. I spent some time with them. They seemed to sense my sadness, and they sat with me quietly and leaned against me so I could hold them and rub their ears the way I used to rub yours. They were beautiful in body and soul, but they weren't you. You are the most beautiful of all. I honestly don't know how to go on when you aren't with me. I'm really starting to be afraid of what will happen without you. I need you so much Leya. I need to see you in my dreams. Please try to come to me if you can.

I will be waiting, loving you, and missing you forever.

Love Mommy