Your Pet Loss Grief Diaries

'Lorien & Teddy Bear', USA

About Teddy

Teddy Bear - Red German Shepherd mix, 13 years old.

When did you lose Teddy Bear?

Nov 24th 2009 - 4 days ago

At which stage of pet loss grief do you feel you are currently at?

Grief

Lorien and Teddy Bear's Story so far

We had Teddy for 13 years. We were coming out of a small grocery store when my 4 year old son said, "Mom, every boy needs a dog." And, Teddy became a part of our family.

The years were packed full of memories. And, I'm having a heck of a time with the grief. People really are so insensitive, without meaning to be. But, none the less, it hurts. I wake up each morning realizing there is something not right. And, when I remember what, I realize that it's another day without Teddy and I don't want to start this day. I miss him so much! I cry continuously. Sleep the first few nights was evasive. Now, I look forward to sleep because it's the one time I don't feel my grief.

Teddy had a bad habit of running. He loved it. But, if he got out it was hard getting him back home. Yelling for him made him run faster. If you pulled up to him with a car he would hop right in.

On Tuesday, he had gotten out. Someone had left our gate open enough for him to fit through. Like any other time he got out, I really didn't worry about it knowing he would be back soon. He was hit by a car, and never made it back home.

We knew he was starting to get old, so mentally I was starting to prepare myself. But, I had hoped it would be old age. And, that I would be there to hold him and say my good byes when the time came. I just can't stop crying and grieving.

When you've had 13 years packed full of memories, it is a lot of memories. Each one sneaks up on you when you do anything. When I opened the door this morning to let our other dogs out, I expected Teddy to be right there. It just hurts so darn much. Every move I make seems to be innocent enough and then I get floored.

As I mentioned, people can be quite insensitive. So, there is such a great burden you feel you have to carry yourself. I had posted my favorite picture of Teddy, on facebook, and had a comment of 'how sick!'. I was giving him tribute, but I don't want to offend anyone. Hence, I removed it.

My kids aren't dealing with it in a healthy manner, so I worry more. I know I am going through the 'stages', but my son is dealing with it through anger. My daughter is shrugging it off. How they are on the inside is known only to them. It's so sad.

We are having Teddy cremated and will hold his memorial come spring, when the ground thaws. He will be next to my cat that I lost 7 years ago. I had him (cat/Romeo) 18 years. That was painful also. It is where I want to have my ashes spread/buried. We chose our favorite spot in the mountains (on public land) because if we buried him at the house we may move. This way, it is forever and accessible.

I am a strong believing Christian, and for the first time in a while I am shaken. The sting of death -- the grief. Is that the sting? It sure feels so. But, it's more than a sting, it is a sword.