Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Monica & Ben'

About Ben

Ben ("Baby Ben"), was a flat coat retriever with a calm soul.

When did you lose Ben?

We lost Ben last night (Jan 25, 2010).

At which stage of pet loss grief do you feel you are currently at?

It's hard to tell, I feel so lost right now. I don't feel that I have experienced the stage of Denial because Ben had been failing for a while.

Monica and Ben's Story so far

We adopted Ben from the Humane Society 13 years ago; or as we frequently told people "he adopted us". He was my constant companion. He went to work with me when he was younger, I took him to my son's sports practices and games whenever possible. Ben traveled all over the northeast and Florida with us in our motorhome. We often joke that he has more miles on him than a car.

His life companion is named Sydney, she is a golden retriever. I remember the day we brought her home. Ben took one look at her and you could see in his eyes that he loved her. They have spent the last 9 1/2 years together.

Five years ago I went through something very terrible in my life. I have always believed that Ben was given to me by God to be my guardian angel, and he saw me through the darkest time of my life. I would tell him often that no matter how bad I was feeling he could make me smile; and he did every day.

This past summer Ben developed a tumor behind his right leg. We opted to have it removed to provide him comfort but decided that it didn't need to be diagnosed; we knew something wasn't right, and at Ben's age the last thing we wanted to do was to put him through draining medical therapy that may or may not work. We only wanted for Ben's last days to be comfortable.

Last night my husband and I agreed that it was "time"; Ben wouldn't eat and he was starting to show signs of being in pain. Ben was euthanised with me holding him and telling him that he would always be in my heart. I am so sad and feel so lost despite the fact that I know that he no longer suffers.

Today I tried to go to work, I made it to the locker room and I had to go back home. I couldn't stop crying and all I wanted to do was to be in the place where Ben spent his days. I've been crying, and sleeping holding his little dog coat close to me for comfort. I miss him terribly. I thought that I was prepared for his passing but until it happens I guess you really can't start to work through it.

We are having Ben privately cremated, so I have begun my search for the perfect urn for him to "come home" to. Maybe it will be easier when I have his ashes with me.

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