Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

About Sugar

My kitty's name is Sugar, she was a white domestic shorthair kitty, who I found while living in Los Angeles in 1999.

When did you lose Sugar?

I am sad to write that I had to end Sugar's life today, she suffered form chronic renal failure and she passed today at 17 years old.

At which stage of pet loss grief do you feel you are currently at?

My grief level is brand-spanking new :(

Jennifer and Sugar's Story so far

I was living out in Los Angeles at the age of 29. While at work, my supervisor came in to tell me there was a couple in the parking lot giving away their pets. They were separating, and they had come to their favorite store to let go of all of their pets. My boss came to say that she thought I should go out and check a certain kitty out. I did, and ended up taking Sugar home.

A few weeks later, I discovered I had journalled that a month previous I wrote that I dreamt one night of a white cat giving me unconditional love. I knew our connection was definitely meant to be.

I suffered from crippling anxiety and depression in LA, and for many months, really the only thing keeping me going was her. If it weren't for her in my life at the time, I wouldn't have made it. I really would have given up my life completely. I was close at one time.

Several months passed, and I needed to move back home to Maryland. I brought Sugar back home with me, and stayed with my parents until I got back on my feet again. Sugar burrowed her way into my parents' hearts just as she had done mine. They could see that this little being was the sweetest little baby and my stepdad even had his own nicknames for her.

She and I found a place to live, a nice one, with plenty of perches for her, windows facing the East so she could soak up the morning sun.

Life with her in my life and in this apartment has really been bliss, and she opened up my heart so much that on my absolute worst days, when I didn't have the where-with-all to love anybody else, I knew I could always go to her and feel whole again. She is that special to me.

I sometimes even thought I was a 'bad mom' when I felt careless, or I would stay away from home a little too long, even when my folks would be able to come stay with her or check on her. She always was so patient, and sweet, and energetic.

I loved how her fur smelled when I kissed her. I loved the sound of her purring, which it seemed like she was always doing, when I was with her, holding her, rubbing her soft furry belly, or throwing around her toys to chase around the house.

But she developed chronic renal failure the past 18 months or so, but was officially diagnosed at the start of this year, 2011. I think this disease has been a slow one, but I do remember her suffering, slowly at first. It's just really clear now when she started to be depressed. I thought she just needed another companion...

The past 6 weeks I have been giving her subQ fluids, but, the past week, she went totally downhill.

All the upsetting symptoms of CRF were there, and she had gotten worse, so last night, I made the final decision to let her go. I just couldn't stand for both of us suffering anymore.

This little creature has been The angel I've needed and wanted, but today was the most heartbreaking part of the whole journey we have taken in 12 years.

Today feels empty without her, and the loss is unbearable. I have her photo on my mantel, and incense burning. Letting her pass today at the vet with her in my arms was definitely the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and I've had many, believe me!

But I said to my Mother, who was with us all day, that it seems Sugar was on loan from God, she fulfilled her duties, opened my heart, loved me unconditionally, and she became old, and very ill, and now it was time to send her Home.

And that is what is the hardest thing of all to accept. She WAS Home, with me, dammit!

But, we really have no control over these things, and that's what makes Life so precious.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm praying the pain gets easier, and her presence remains.

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Your Pet Loss Diaries - 'Jennifer & Sugar'

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Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Gone, Not Forgotten, But, Still Here Actually

Nov 7, 2011

 
It's November now, and my pain over losing my kitty Sugar isn't as bad at all. Time has been kind, and I've accepted that I gave her the best life she …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Still Missing You

June 13, 2011

 
Sugar, I have not stopped missing you since we said goodbye in April. It seems like time hasn't passed at all since that day. My only comfort, …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Feeling Of Renewal and On the 'Ok' End of Bad

April 13, 2011

 
Sugar, it feels like you are really here, but it's just that your ill little body is gone. Today is a nice, sunny but cool Spring day. Easter is coming, …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Smiles.... But, Deep Sadness

April 12, 2011

 
I want to get to sleep but I can't. I'm hurting pretty bad and in pain and I want you to come back. I do not like or can accept this new reality. You passed …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Missing You, But With Happy Memories

June 22, 2011

 
I have a neighbor who has a white kitty. It's hard to look their way when he takes her out on the grass to play. I feel relief Sugar isn't suffering …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Memorial Day Weekend

May 31, 2011

 
I miss you more and more each day. I still feel very sad that you're not here anymore. Even tho your little box is here at home, and your cremains are …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

One Month 'Anniversary'

May 11, 2011

 
It's been one month since we said goodbye, Sugar, and I miss you more than the day I let you go. Said a few prayers for you, lit the candle by your …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Osama Bin Laden Is Dead

May 2, 2011

 
Dear Sugar... One year after I brought you back to the East Coast, we were at home the morning of 9/11/2001, and the Twin Towers fell. Well, today, …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Missing My Easter Sugar Bunny

April 24, 2011

 
Hi Sugar, it's Mommy. I've not written to you here for a week or two now, but it doesn't mean I have forgotten about you. 4/11, two weeks ago, we had to …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Disbelief

April 15, 2011

 
I just can't believe you're gone. My brain is trying to process this new change. I look over to the sofa or chair you would usually be sleeping on …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Missing You <3

April 14, 2011

 
Thursday - It's really not the same here without you, Suge. I'm missing your meowing, your light snoring, and, this morning, I missed you waking …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Salty Tears and a Few Regrets, but Smiles, Finally

April 13, 2011

 
Sugar, today was a little bit easier. I hope it was for you too. It has only been one day since you were gone. I said into the wind tonight that I let …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Jennifer & Sugar'

Meet Me On The Rainbow Bridge!

April 11, 2011

 
Sugar.. my sweetheart.. Today we had to say goodbye, but I am so sorry I had to do what I did to you. I hope you forgive Mommy. I'm heartbroken, I …

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