Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

About Alfie

Alfie is a short-haired domestic cat. He came to us from a rescue centre with his mother Josie. These are the names I gave them. Alfie is about 8 yrs. old and Josie 9.

When did/may you lose Alfie?

We were told yesterday that Alfie has a malignant growth. He is currently getting over the biopsy and has to return to the vet to check if it is healing and to see what can be done for him.

At which stage of pet loss grief do you feel you are currently at?

Or how are you feeling right now?

I think I am in the first stage denial. I noticed about 10 days ago that Alfie's breath was a bit smelly. I thought he might need a tooth check as it is due this year, so booked him in for a routine scrape under anaesthesia.

Within half an hour of leaving him the vet rang me whilst in the supermarket to say he had discovered a growth and had taken a biopsy. My world seemed to end. I was stunned.

Gabrielle & Alfie's Story so far

About a year after my FiV cat Fudge had to be euthanised because of mouth cancer, I got Alfie and his mother from the cat re-homing centre. They had been indoor cats and as we live on a fairly remote farm they had plenty of space in which to play about.

At first Alfie hid under the furniture, only venturing out at night when he thought we were in bed. However, I tend to watch late films and he would sometimes find me in the chair when he crept out. Within a week he started to jump onto my chair arm, purring madly. He has a strange sounding purr - 2-toned with a low rumble and high squeak.

I walked him and Josie around the outside on a lead for a while till they got used to the outdoors. I don't like cats to be kept indoors and we have never seen a cat within miles of us so we thought it safe.

Alfie is a great hunter and has kept the mice and vole population down for us. He brings things in alive, including rabbits, and I have sometimes felt it a nuisance to have to spend hours chasing these around the house and catching them with humane traps. He always thinks it's such fun and I do reward him and say 'good boy Alfie'. My husband thinks this encourages him more.

When I am in bed alone, he cuddles up to me especially in the morning when Leslie gets up to make the morning coffee and get their food ready. We have separate beds so sometimes he comes in from outside wet through in the night and cuddles up to me and purrs till I dry him off. He 'talks' to me and smiles sometimes and I find him such a friend and confidante.

Josie is rather a loner and quite aloof. The only contact she likes is her grooming which she insists on as many times as possible every day. Alfie hates it and is out through the cat flap as soon as I open the box with the brushes and combs. I have often asked him "did Fudge send you to me" because he is such an extrovert like Fudge and I could imagine them having a great together.

Ironic isn't it that they should both have the same affliction. I feel so angry that this has happened to us both again. It's as if a curse is on us.

Alfie has left my desk now and is outside. His nightly routine can't be interrupted. 'It's what I have to do - my job' he seems to say. But I can't sleep for worry and my stomach hasn't stopped churning since the vet said 'biopsy' although in my mind I feared that it might be something more serious as I have always been able to check his teeth and they looked OK. The gums, however, seemed paler than usual. Some instinct told me this would not be good and now I think that I wished this upon Alfie with my pessimistic premonitions. Well, here he is back in again and about to climb over my keyboard, so i have to finish for now.

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Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Hi Alfie

Mar 1, 2013

Hi Alfie - Happy St David's Day. The daffodils are not out but we have lovely sun. This is the first time in 12 years the daffs haven't been open for …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

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Josie & Me Missing You

Feb 20, 2013

I have not written my diary for quite a while. Josie has not been well. She seemed to stop searching for Alfie and settle a bit. Then she started looking …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Will I Ever Be At Ease?

Jan 27, 2013

No doubt things are getting better. For one thing I can sleep most of the night. I am beginning to eat better. Even so, I feel a bit guilty about that …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Always Something There To Remind Me

Jan 23, 2013

I have just been tidying out the top 'dump' drawer and found a slip of paper 'DON'T FEED THE CATS - ALFIE HAS TO HAVE ANAESTHETIC' from the fateful day …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Where Are You Alfie

Jan 21, 2013

I went out today to look at your burial place. It is the first time I talked to you outside. Two wrens were out feeding on the ground not far away. …

Your Pet Loss Stories

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Overwhelming Loss

Jan 18, 2013

Now that the shock is wearing off I am starting to forget Alfie has gone. He used to spend a lot of time outside at night doing whatever Tom cats do. …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Good Wishes

Jan 17, 2013

I was dreading my visit to the hairdresser today. Yesterday I met Pat who asked if we had a good Christmas and wished me a Happy New Year. This has become …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Aftermath of Christmas

Jan 14, 2013

For some reason I have been having difficulty getting online. Maybe it's the weather. I have started to venture out again. The stress of looking after …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Aflie'

Lonely As A Cloud

Jan 10, 2013

The pain ought to get better but it isn't. A lot of what I feel is guilt which I know everyone feels. You feel you have let your pet down. It is so painful …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Pangs and Waves

Jan 5, 2013

I felt overwhelming grief today. Suddenly I shed tears. Why this is I don't know. I thought the grief was beyond tears. This is the first time I have really …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Good Boy Alfie How I Miss You

Jan 2, 2013

The New Year is weighing heavily on me. I miss you so much. When the cat flap rattles in the night and wakens me I expect you to be on the bed nagging …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Christmas Without Alfie

Dec 23, 2012

I am trying to be cheerful. Actually I'm not. I am trying to appear cheerful for everyone else's sake. My stuff from Viva arrived yesterday which was mostly …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Grief Overwhelming

Dec 17, 2012

Now that the slight numbness has worn off I feel such surges of pain. It's physical as well as mental. I seem to have a huge stone in my chest. I try …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Goodbye Darling Alfie

Dec 12, 2013

Last night Alfie was on my bed, for the last time. We telephoned the vet regarding his breathing which was laboured. He said the steroids were wearing …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Alfie Goes Walk-about

Dec 8, 2012

Alfie did not come into the room last night or this morning. He was out when we prepared the cats food, but he did not eat much. I am desperately trying …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

New Symptoms - Alfie Is Now Breathing Badly

Dec 7, 2012

Problems are increasing now for my darling Alfie. He is having difficulty breathing through his nose. I am very much afraid. I am giving him the remainder …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Desperate Days for Alfie

Dec 4, 2012

Poor little one - he goes from sleepy and snuffly to trying to pretend he's OK. Today was a bad day but when I contacted the holistic healer she seemed …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Very Worried Now

Dec 1, 2012

Alfie was fine yesterday. He behaved completely normally. Unfortunately he brought me another present. I hated it but had to pet him and reward him. …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Alfie Enjoying Life

Nov 30, 2012

Alfie is having a great time. It is very frosty but he comes and goes as normal. I have to stop myself from thinking he's OK. This is the worst part of …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Vet Visit

Nov 27, 2012

Alan was very encouraging re: Alfie. He outlined the options. This included going to Glasgow for Oncology treatment. It is so difficult to decide how …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Up and About

Nov 24, 2012

Last night (Friday) despite a quite depressed day, for Alfie, he was once more the cuddly cat. He slept on the next pillow, purring and went out through …

Your Pet Loss Diaries

'Gabrielle & Alfie'

Alfie Down

Nov 21, 2012

Alfie was beginning to recover from the anaesthetic and biopsy. I would not have agreed to the biopsy if they had asked first. I think these things are …

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